Hibernate mode : off

Many things had happened since the last time I wrote blog in here. And it affect my life so much.

First, my office address changed. Means a new office, new stall, new computer, new tools, new floors, new building,etc

Second, My dad was passed away last august 31st. Gotta go home to Indo again. I'll write the rest of the story later.

Wedding Frenzy

Got a lot of wedding invitation lately. But have no chance to come anyway. I've planned to come, either I have this panic attack of being afraid to be in the middle of the unknown peeps crowd, or I was busy with works. Most of them come near the deadline of my stuff. So, I got to set my priorities.

Maybe it's because the lucky 7 shots that kind of thing. The invitation were piled up at my house and office. They all comes from my family and my friends. High school mates, college mates, my colleagues at work. Within the wedding of course there are bachellorette party too. Well, for this one I dearly came, not all of them, I should see the place too. If the place are too crowded and too dark, I prefer not.

I'm not that kind of crazy party and club goers. Well, I do go to the club sumtimes, but not too often, and never be alone to go there. I don't like to stay in a party too much. When the party gets too crowded, too louzy, too wild, getting too much, I'll make sure I've already outta there. Excepts if there's someone I knew, maybe I can hold on. I don't know it's kinda phobia for me. I had this thing since I was a kid. I always cry everytime my parents drag me to come either to a bithday party or wedding. It's too creepy for me to see all those peeps all wandering around with all too much unworthy make up on their faces.

Anyway, there was an invitation pop out at my desk late thursday afternoon, from my high school fella. We never met after the graduation anyway. We just met sumtimes ago at starbucks at wallstreet. We stop by and chat all the way, and we promised to see each outher again sometimes. We met again for several times, until she gets promoted to move on at another state, and I still stuck in this beloved city. So we never met again since 2 years ago.

I decided to call her up. She gets married with her father's employee, which my other fella sez, she was setted up by her mother to met this guy. So, she commited to stop the job and be a good housewife. Glllaahahh... How can she made that decission? I have to say that she's kind of old school kinda lady (or should I say ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND!!!) Whatever, I just can say bless you when she said that. She insisted me and terrorize me with 5 times a day call that I should come because she wants to see my boo, which I don't have it right now. But she didn't digg it. I have to come period, she said.

So I decided to come with the neverendingcouplewhoneverthinktogetmarried friend R n F. They also insisted and pushed me to come. They dressed up, me not. I only put my Gucci Jacket over rugged blue rusty shirts, republic jeans and adidas sneakers. I don't feel like I wanna wear sumthin nice, and those were the last piece of my clean clothes. Since I haven't had those laundry for 3 weeks. And I don't have money and time to go shopping at Soho. After all those bloody comments over the suits I wore by those couple, up we go.

The party was a blast, but as usual I get panicked just as my foot set into the hall. It was huge party, with lots of foods, great ceremony, great musics (seriously it's not louzy), and great crowds, I can't stand it, and worst, my fellas left me ALONE there, leaving me at the middle of nowhere. That what makes my panic worsened. Try to ge coffee but it's not exist, try to call them not getting any signal (or it was turned off), till there was someone who tapped me from behind and that muthaf***in face I knew, the face I missed for so long, and I hate as much as love to see him again, It's ED, my ex. I wanna hug him but I can't, I wanna kiss him hard but I can't, I wanna scream but I can't, and there I was, gagging, couldn't believe what I saw. Been 2 years not to see him, and frankly I want him back so badly, over what we've had. We've connected in high school only for 2 months, and ended over silly reason that i've made up and stupid misunderstanding. He asked me back a year after, but I rejected, cuz with stupidly reason of I wanna forget him for good. That hurts, I know. cuz that hurt me too, because not only I can't forget him for good, I'm in love with him ever since. Sucks, stupid and idiotic. And we commited just friend ever since. And I should say, that everytime I almost that close to forget about him and the feeling, He popped out of nowhere, and made me wanting him again.

Just like last night, he was the only last person that I expect to come, cuz I know that he wasn't like this kind of thing. So, it's impossible for him to come to the wedding. And he came. And I'm so glad cuz finally I can find someone to make me to stay, and also hate because why him??? He knew about the freakin' out thing, so he was kinda comforting me with detouring my attention to some other else. He's just a saviour that I hope to come. and he asked me to go to a coffeshop, to zip a cup of coffee to calming me down, and offer me to drive me home. He's such a guy, while he never act as one when he was still my boo. Comment over last night, happy, cuz finally i can see his face, and hopefully we can met again sometime. This feeling sucks bad.

Hang condition

theme songs when i type this, Paramore, nu band from US consists of youth teenage who happenned and declared themself as punk melodic band, the singer which is a girl, sounds like Avril, only she is younger and has not married yet.

Anyway, my life goes around just like usual, still breathing, still addicted to coffee and stuffs. But, I felt a bit hard for me to stick on my ground. I mean I really not able to make a decission on my own. So many doubts, so many consideration, lacks of self confidence, and totally uneasy to believe on something. My friend sez my brain is in hang condition. When I asked her what the heck that words cum out from her mouth. She said, just take a look at the computer, if you use it constantly and you over use it, the processor or it's brain will have that "hang" condition. Just like I had it right now. I can't think, I can't decide, presumably a bit paranoid with everything surround me, I can't feel, I can't analyze. I just ... that. I'm in a condition where I just like the blank space on a notepad and all the inputs entered through keyboard (my nerve), can't go through the monitor. I'm hang.
All the things that I thought just flew in a few seconds, all the routines and habit jumbled in disordered forms. I became numb. Can't recognize all those inputs.

I began to realize it lately. When I had a lot of weird things to me. Like when I lost my glasses, I really forgot where to put it. I mix my cellphone into my laundry. Forgot where was the last time I put my wallet, so many times.
And now added by puttedn in a junction where I had to choose 1 of two. And that choice will definetely change my life. Whether I have to stick on my now job but low paid, or quit today's job taking a risk to start working on a new company, which I definitely virgin about the company scope. And the most reason is this company hasn't been released yet.

Maybe that is the problem why i became hang lately....

Live Hard, Die Hard

Take a look at this story for a moment. It was written in Indonesian language or Bahasa Indonesia. And if you don't understand with the language use a Indonesian-English translator software.

I Quote this story from dee's blog, you can check it out the address at the sidebar.

The English version title's at least says, "Endang finally could swim again".

Endang Berenang Lagi

Nama penyu itu Endang. Saya beri nama demikian karena saya belum sempat tahu Endang itu jantan atau betina, dan nama “Endang” cukup fleksibel mewakili keduanya. Endang dengan “e” taling untuk perempuan, dan Endang versi “e” pepet untuk laki-laki.

Pertemuan saya dengan Endang terjadi tanpa rencana. Saat saya ke Menado tanggal 13 Juni lalu untuk talk show bersama seorang bhikku perempuan Ayya Santini, saya diberi tahu bahwa panitia ingin mengadakan fang shen sesudah makan siang, dan saya diajak ikut. Biasanya saya lebih memilih beristirahat, apalagi perjalanan ke Menado ini dimulai sejak subuh tadi berhubung naik pesawat paling pagi. Tapi saya belum pernah ikut fang shen sebelumnya, dan saya memutuskan ikut demi pengalaman baru.

Fang shen adalah salah satu puja bakti dalam tradisi Buddhis, yakni melepaskan makhluk hidup kembali ke alam bebas. Mereka yang ingin melakukan fang shen dapat membeli ikan, atau burung, atau apa saja, yang barangkali sudah di penghujung maut karena akan dijagal, lalu melepaskan mereka kembali ke habitatnya. Fang shen dipercaya dapat membuahkan umur panjang, kebahagiaan, dan seterusnya.

Terlepas dari umur saya bertambah atau tidak, saya merasa fang shen adalah tradisi yang luar biasa. Burung yang memiliki angkasa tak berbatas sebagai rumahnya mendadak disekap dalam kurungan, hanya karena kita ingin menjamin kicauan merdunya terdengar oleh kuping setiap hari, tak peduli kicauan itu ungkapan kebahagiaan atau frustrasi. Ikan yang memiliki aliran air luas sebagai rumahnya mendadak harus mengitari kurungan kaca, hanya karena kita ingin menikmati keindahan wujudnya. Belum lagi ikan lele yang kemungkinan besar dihantam di kepala lalu berakhir di penggorengan. Melalui fang shen, kita mengembangkan kasih sayang dan rasa hormat bagi semua makhluk. Keluar dari kerangka pikir manusia pemangsa, lalu dengan sadar mengembalikan hak hidup makhluk-makhluk yang selama ini kita sekap dan kita jagal.

Waktu saya dan Ayya tiba di pelabuhan, Endang dan satu penyu kecil lain (saya beri nama Endang Jr.) sudah menunggu dalam perahu motor. Keduanya beringsut saling mendekat seperti mencari rasa aman. Kondisi Endang tidak terlalu baik. Bisa dilihat di foto, kaki depan Endang sobek besar hingga tampak tulangnya mencuat keluar. Lantai perahu bernoda merah di sana-sini karena darah dari luka Endang.

Salah satu petugas perahu berkata, “Tidak apa-apa. Penyu itu binatang kuat. Kepalanya putus saja masih bisa hidup. Baru setelah dimasak, dia benar-benar mati.” Saya lantas membayangkan, jika tangan saya terluka menganga hingga tulang harus berhadapan dengan udara, seperti apa sakit dan ngilunya? Bagaimana kita bisa mengukur rasa sakit Endang, hanya karena penyu tidak memiliki area Broca di otaknya dan tidak berkata-kata? Sementara penyu adalah hewan yang memiliki sistem limbik sempurna, yang memungkinkan ia merasakan sakit, nyeri, ketakutan, sama seperti kita.

Namun Endang dengan tulang terpampang memang bernasib lebih baik, karena teman-temannya yang tertangkap akan dibedah hidup-hidup. Dalam posisi terbalik, tempurung mereka disayat, dan daging mereka dipotong-potong di tempat, untuk lalu dijual dan dijadikan sup. Orang Menado bilang, daging penyu lembut. Namun daging itu aneh, bergerak terus, sekalipun sudah dipotong-potong, dan baru diam setelah matang dimasak.

Baru setahun terakhir ini larangan memperdagangkan penyu diperketat dan daging penyu mulai menghilang dari pasar. Sesekali ada nelayan nekat yang tetap mencuri kesempatan dan menjualnya sembunyi-sembunyi. Endang dan Endang Jr. ditebus dengan harga 500 ribu. Harga yang termasuk murah, karena biasanya tiga penyu bisa kena satu juta.

Sekitar tiga puluh menit kami melaju ke arah Bunaken. Setelah menemukan satu tempat yang dirasa cukup aman dan sepi untuk melepas duo Endang ini, perahu pun berhenti dan Ayya mulai membacakan parita.

Saya diam dan memejamkan mata. Berharap air laut dan waktu akan menyembuhkan luka Endang. Berharap Endang Jr. bisa tahu rasanya menjadi dewasa, mati secara alamiah di alam bebas, dan bukan dalam mangkok sup. Berharap kita semua akan menemukan jalan untuk hidup beriringan dengan makhluk lain tanpa perlu menyekap dan memangsa. Kita menangkap Endang dan kawan-kawannya bukan karena mereka ancaman bagi nyawa kita, tapi karena sebagian dari kita ingin memuaskan lidah dan kita punya cukup uang untuk mengadakannya di meja makan, dan untuk itu sebagian dari kita yang butuh uang rela menangkap Endang dan kawan-kawan, membunuhnya dengan keji. Bukan karena Endang menyerang atau mendendam, tapi karena Endang gurih. Berharap kita semua akan menemukan jalan untuk mengenyangkan perut dengan kekerasan minimal, agar perdamaian dunia yang kita dambakan tidak cuma slogan. Bagi kita, Endang hanyalah satu makan siang, tapi bagi Endang itu masalah hidup dan mati.

Dalam diam dan mata masih terpejam, saya teringat cerita petugas tadi. Katanya, penyu-penyu melelehkan air mata saat mereka dicacah hidup-hidup. Endang ternyata bisa menangis. Saya bahkan tak tahu itu.

Saat Ayya usai membacakan parita, mata saya membuka. Basah. Sore itu, memang bukan Endang yang perlu menangis. Ia dan teman kecilnya cuma perlu berenang lagi.